Somewhere in the middle

I've been struggling with my identity for a while.  Not the "am I gay or am I straight" identity, but the "who, what, where and why am I" identity.   As a youngster, the parentals spoke to me of successors in fairy tale terms that for some reason never resonated with me.  Listening to "big Em" stories grew old and at once irrelevant.  I don't know my family.

For the outsider, it's hard to understand how this can be. My mother is the 9th of 11 children - all of which went on to procreate multiple times.  They are my cousins. We get together once every several years (not as frequently anymore) and we go our separate ways.  Its sad.  My dad has 2 siblings and is native to my own hometown, Washington, DC.   I have a lot of family in DC. I don't know them.

Lately, I've been feeling a strong urge to connect. I'd love to get to know my family, our legacy, our history. I want my children to posses the strong sense of self that I am lacking.  Yet, to barge in on a "ready made" family feels embarrassing. To impose myself on a 'family' that has been existing for years without me seems unfair.  Who am I to walk in and demand that I be accepted , despite the fact that I have not been a part of what I am sure to find are the many family ups and downs that gives each group it's unique characteristics? I don't want to be interviewed and asked the millions of questions that I want to ask of them.  I do not want to be judged. I want to be loved. I do not want to be rejected.

I want to know my family - yet I don't.  i's 'fraid...